Friendships Are Transactional

In recent conversations with a few friends, there were times I would do something for them, and when they thanked me later, I would give a cheeky little grin and say, "Transactional friendships!" Of course, I would say this in a joking way, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that many people live this way without admitting to it, including me.

In a perfect world, this statement wouldn't be true. But we do not live in a perfect world, and yet the overall sentiment is that we should live our lives in a way such that this statement is false. "Be selfless," they say. "Friendships should be built on healthy trust and connection, not over the things that can be exchanged." And while this may seem ideal, I am here to argue that this idea can be greatly misunderstood.

Let me preface by saying that I do think there is value in showing up for your friends, and inconveniencing yourself for them. It is kind to drop everything you're doing right now to help a friend in need. And yes! Drive an hour to attend your friend's birthday party. In fact, I do believe that society as a whole has forgotten what it means to inconvenience yourself for your friends. However, that is another topic that deserves its own page.

I am not trying to prove that selfless acts of kindness in a friendship is wrong. What I am trying to say is that a friendship where one side is giving significantly more than the other is not a friendship at all. It is a power dynamic. Both sides must give a relatively equal amount, and this is the definition of a transactional friendship.

Is it okay to stay friends with someone who doesn't care about you as much as you care about them?

The friendships that I've seen blossom in my life have been because of equal effort. And it doesn't necessarily have to be effort. This may be stepping a bit too far, but even a division in material things can cause rift. Favors must be payed back in loyalty or gratitude. Admiration must be met with an equal amount of respect. The love in a lasting friendship is conditional.

I do realize this is quite a cynical piece of text, and as a Christian I do wonder what my faith has to say about this stance. Because we are told to be loving and selfless. Calling friendships transactional doesn't seem very loving and selfless.

In thinking about this, I can recall one particular story about oxygen masks. When the flight attendant is explaining what to do when oxygen masks fall from the ceiling, they tell you to first put it on yourself, before helping others. The whole idea behind this is that in helping yourself, you are more able to help others. And I think this applies to this concept as well. In staying in a friendship that is draining, or unhealthy, you rob yourself of the ability to give even more to this person, because you are already giving so much. And not only them, but others as well.

However, this is still a small thought, and I hope some readers (if any) can provide another perspective.